Men, when she says ‘he’s handsome,’ this is who she sees…

For any of you guys familiar with the seedy back streets of night-time Bangkok, you may have heard a customary and oft-repeated trans-gendered greeting: ‘You so handsome!’

No? Well, maybe it’s just me then.

But one thing I’ve learned in my thirty-something years is that ‘handsome’ means far more than it might seem.

‘Handsome,’ and what is seen as attractive by the fairer sex, is far more than the merely aesthetic.

This is what women see when they say ‘he’s handsome…’

Holds himself with a calm assuredness, like he’s unshakeable; immune to the pressures and potential frights that lurk.

He is with the moment, not lost in his fears and concerns of what the future holds, and what the past represents. He’s there for what’s there, tolerant of uncertainty, at peace with the chaotic reality that surrounds him.

He doesn’t emotionally peak and trough like many other men. At least, he keeps it to a minimum. His arc of emotional expression is narrow, his smiles infrequent, and this is oddly reassuring.

He has a tantalising honesty that can be felt as surprising and unexpected in a sea of agreeing head-nodders. He says what no one else is saying. He says little when everyone else is talking.

He appears to be a central influence to the people around him, able to inspire others to feel at ease; to relax, without words. He’s not afraid to physically touch.

He seems disinterested in drawing attention to his accomplishments or his material possessions. He may wear a chunky watch, but it’s like he has nothing to prove, nothing to protect, and nothing to lose. The part of him most men seem hell-bent on protecting with aggressive care and concern — it’s simply no longer there.

He takes up space, a consummate man-spreader.

Though he can get serious and assertive when needed, little seems to furrow his brow. His modus operandi is that of a light-hearted man, comfortable with the language of play and humour. He has a quick wit, and often astounds with his creative capacity to see connections no one else sees.

He gives little away and talks less than those he’s with. Many in his company have trouble holding back the questions they’re dying to ask.

He’s unattached to outcomes, though he knows what he wants. He expects nothing, but makes agreements all the time with firm handshakes and firm words.

There’s a current of energy running through him and a sparkle in his eye — perhaps it reflects his mission, one that keeps him busy and frustratingly unavailable. He rarely responds to her text immediately.

Regardless of his light-heartedness, there is an indescribable aspect to him that speaks of an intimacy with a darker part of his nature. Like a man back from a long war, there is something in him that appears to have taken the edge off what would otherwise be a comprehensively optimistic approach to life.

He shows little resistance to entering sexual topics of conversation when the moment is appropriate. This speaks of the unapologetic ease with which he is able to demonstrate that he is a man with desires (and a heartbeat). He is at home with conversational tension and long silences.

He has little need for rushing, both physically and in how he speaks. It’s as though time waits for him.

He doesn’t change for anyone, including women. Just his calm, light-hearted self. But others, interestingly enough, are often compelled to want to change for him.

This is what it means to be ‘handsome.’

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