8 tiny things that make you instantly more socially confident

Years of social anxiety forced me to learn everything about confidence around other people.

I found an amazingly fine line between getting caught up in anxiety and enjoying social interactions.

Here’s what I learned that helped me the most:

Stop trying to be confident.

When sensing their lack of confidence, most people try to compensate by trying to be more confident.

This is a mistake and one I fell for many times. If we’re trying to be anything, we are placing pressure on ourselves. This amps up our self-consciousness and puts more on our minds to confuse and stall us.

Trying to be more confident sends a message to ourselves: ‘I’m not content with who I am — I have a problem.’

Let go of trying to be anything, and you will find relief.

Listen with presence.

At the heart of social anxiety lies a constant need to pay attention to ourselves.

We judge ourselves when we’re anxious like this, and it makes us uptight. Instead, we need to put the attention elsewhere — like on other people. This takes the pressure off you and is relaxing.

When we focus on truly listening to what others are saying, we can connect with another human in a way that most do not. Most people are in their heads and trying to be impressive.

Instead, listen. You will immediately feel more confident.

Present yourself as your ‘tidiest real self.’

I say it this way because some gurus might say to walk around dressed to the nines in flashy, sharp outfits to make you feel more confident.

Wrong. If you’re self-conscious, you’ll feel even more so. Instead, be as understated as you like, but tidy yourself up.

Don’t have stains on your trousers. Feel good about yourself by presenting yourself cleanly.

This breeds a comfortable self-respect.

Don’t tolerate stressful thoughts.

Stressful thoughts are not as significant as you think. Leave them alone.

This will do you more good than almost anything else. Get back to the moment. See negative thoughts like buzzing flies.

Let them float up and pass by, but don’t try and grab them and invite them in for dinner as most do. It’s holding on to these thoughts that make us feel anxious.

Understand that everyone is flawed and weird, like you.

You need to see the connection we all share. We’re all struggling on this spinning ball.

Social anxiety breeds very well in an environment of ‘feeling different’ to others and thinking you’re unique. You are not uniquely human — just uniquely you.

Enjoy the sense of connection that comes with knowing we’re all insecure, flawed, and weird.

Decide to enjoy yourself.

Your enjoyment in social situations — in any situation — is NOT conditional. You bring the enjoyment, no matter the task or the situation.

Confident people know that things don’t need to be a certain way for them to enjoy themselves. You could be exhausted after a hike on a cold, rainy mountain top and still enjoy yourself. This is the attitude to bring. Choose right now to have fun, no matter what.

If you’re with people, YOU be the one to enjoy yourself. See how this lifts you and the others around you.

Look for the things that interest you about people.

If we’re nervous socially, we’re thinking about ourselves and how we’re coming across. We’re fascinated in us.

And yes, there is a selfishness to this. Let go. You must — it’s for your own good — find a way to be fascinated in another human.

Actively look for interesting aspects of the person in front of you. Ask them interested questions. That’s how you become interesting. When you get curious, guess what happens?

The spotlight is off you, and you will relax.

Make other people feel important.

This subtle yet powerful mindset shift will change your life.

Find ways to put others in a favourable light.

Encourage people. Big up their strengths. Be the supporter, and make others look good in front of others. You are the leader. It’s no longer about you. It’s about putting other people in a good light.

This shift in attention will profoundly impact your social experiences, confidence, and the respect you garner from those around you.

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Finally, know this: just because you’ve been socially anxious in the past does NOT mean that you can’t develop confident habits today.

Your past anxieties do NOT mean you are a socially anxious person. I know this because I have seen my own transformation. It’s nothing about YOU. It’s about your habits.

You can live a confident life. It’s who you are at your core.

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