8 seemingly innocent habits that make you miserable

One thing I learned over years and years of amazing highs and terrible lows:

We can make ourselves miserable doing things that appear totally innocent, and ‘not a big deal.’

Small shifts in behaviour can change all this.

Here’s what I learned to avoid:

Seeking validation.

It’s easy to believe that our happiness relies on others. We felt joy when we behaved well and mummy rewarded us with a sweety.

We want more of this feeling as we go through life, looking to please people to boost our happiness.

We run around exhausted from trying so hard. But, when we rely on others to make us feel happy, we’re deriving our self-worth from people over whom we have no control.

This puts us in a vulnerable position — miserable when people don’t return what we gave. Far better to let go of the need for validation, and serve yourself first.

Having any expectations of people.

When we approach relationships with any expectations, we unwittingly open the doors to suffering.

If we expect someone to behave a certain way, and they don’t, we’re furious.

To expect anything is, again, to put control in the hands of others — the total opposite of self-empowerment.

This is a great way to be continually resentful. Instead, you must learn either to let go of needing others to be different or to make firm agreements with people. Expect nothing, but agree on things with a handshake.

Now it’s no longer personal.

High standards of output.

Humans are their most alive when they spend time following their deepest calling as humans: creating.

Whether it’s cooking, playing a game, writing a book or painting a wall, we’re happiest in the throes of birthing something new.

This is why, when we have high standards for what we create, i.e. we say: ‘I need this to be near perfect,’ we will find reasons to avoid creating.

So, when we’re immobilised by our standards, we get depressed.

Be biased to completion and relentlessly ship your creations no matter what. This is how you win.

Mistake-avoiding.

One of the most pernicious lies we fall for as we mature is that making a mistake is ‘bad.’

We’re not talking about being unethical or evil here. We know when a line is crossed in our gut.

But, when we are consciously avoidant of making a mistake, this happens: we seize up. We’re no longer our expressive selves. We’re dead inside. This is the foundation for every poor performance.

Every story of a discarded dream is tied to our avoidance of mistakes and looking ‘bad.’

Don’t be that guy. Make mistakes. It will free you like nothing else.

Worrying.

Many of us believe that stewing on a problem is in some way helpful. But here’s the thing.

When we worry, we make ourselves feel worse and create more confusion. You know this.

If it works us up, we must stop. Solving problems requires a clear, calm mind.

Solutions come to us when we don’t force anything. Be ruthlessly intolerant to worry, open to simply not knowing, and your life will never be the same again.

Taking your feelings seriously.

A commonly held, yet false, belief is that the increase in anxiety and stress we are seeing is because people are out of touch with — or ‘bottling up’ — their emotions.

No. We’re stressed because we’re too in touch with our emotions. We overthink our feelings.

We are assigning meaning where there isn’t any. Our feelings are a reflection of our thoughts, moment by moment.

That’s it. Let go. Act when you least feel like it, and you’ll be energised and creative.

Harsh judgement.

Yes, I get it — a little complaining occasionally is a nice release.

It’s the habitual patterns of complaint, judgement and criticism, however, that will slowly eat you alive.

Your thoughts create your reality. When you project negativity on everything around you, you’re designing a shitty experience for yourself.

Let go of this urge to judge harshly, and instead, observe.

Notice how everything takes on a brighter, more serene light when you open up to the simplicity of a label-free reality.

Talking before listening.

Ever notice how abrasive it is when someone talks over you when you haven’t finished your sentence?

Doing this is slowly infecting the harmony in your relationships and creating resentment. In a noisy world, we’re all clamouring for attention. Go against the grain.

Mutual respect dies if we allow ourselves to cut into the words of others or vice versa. The antidote is to give space and to be firm with someone if they aren’t giving you yours.

Give someone the gift of your deepest attention.

Listen, and have the courage to speak slowly and be heard.

This is how to live free.

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