11 subtle behaviours that make you instantly more likeable

I haven’t always been liked, and I don’t encourage anyone to go about trying to be liked.

However, I’ve learned over the years what behaviours tend to attract, and those which repel (I’ve been great at figuring out the latter!)

Absorb the following ideas, and let them become habits. Over time you may find this having a profound impact on your relationships.

Actually listen.

Give people the space for you to process what they say properly. Allow a few extra seconds.

You don’t always need to jump in with a response. Let people finish their sentences, and then pause at the right moments to let them process even more.

Silence is a powerful form of communication too. I learned this as a coach. People pay coaches huge sums just to be listened to and to have the space held for them to share and be listened to deeply.

Listening will set you apart immediately.

Be sincere, not ‘nice.’

What’s the difference? Sincerity is based on the intention of helping and supporting another, even if done under the veil of a tease or humour.

Being nice is based on your intention of appearing nice — it’s about you, not them.

‘Niceness’ is a form of manipulation, and people know when you’re doing this.

Be baseline polite, yes — but ultimately — you want someone leaving the interaction feeling encouraged, lifted, and in a more energised place.

Acknowledge and nod.

A lot of people have no idea they are giving off a terrible impression and putting distance between themselves and the person they speak to.

A huge reason for this is something many would consider too small to consider — but that’s why they miss it.

They miss it because they’re wrapped up in trying to appear impressive (or they’re smiling and nodding too much like a donkey).

Subtly demonstrating that you’re listening and appreciating their words with an occasional nod, a reflective look, or an ‘uhuh’ makes all the difference.

This is supportive and is the kind of thing a strong leader does.

Touch.

Be careful with this one — the world has changed, and what was once acceptable, is now becoming taboo.

But because of this, if you can find appropriate moments to make physical contact with another — male or female — this will set you apart massively.

So few people do it, which is why sparing and subtle gestures, whether a touch of the wrist, a touch on the back, or a squeeze of a shoulder, will help create a very visceral bond that won’t be forgotten.

Be in the moment.

This feeds into all the other points.

Most people are absolutely not present. I had a problem with this for years, and it pushed people away.

I was in the clouds, or in over-analysis, or thinking of what next to say. Others pick up on this quickly. Ever had a conversation with someone who just wasn’t there? Exactly.

When you stay in the moment, you’re becoming more attractive too, because your self-consciousness is no longer.

Repeat back what they say.

Most conversations comprise two, one-way presentations.

We talk, but we don’t demonstrate that we’ve listened.

When the other speaks, we are lost in our thoughts, trying to come up with the next witty, or interesting thing to say. In this sense, most of us aren’t conversing at all.

We’re speaking in someone’s direction. And then we wonder why everyone is resentful about one another and lacks a sense of connection. We don’t listen. We don’t open ourselves up to deep connection.

A first step is to repeat back what someone says in your own words. You don’t always need to jump into providing a solution.

Acknowledged what was said.

This can be all someone needs to hear. Repeating back will make you listen, and will be appreciated by the speaker.

Ask a genuine question.

Not one that you pre-prepared.

Ask more questions that you could only have struck you in the moment, based on what they just said.

Again, you’re demonstrating that you’re actually listening.

This will force you to be in the moment, engage with what is being said, and take the conversation to a higher, more enlightening level.

Take your time speaking.

Starting to see a pattern in these points?

Do what most do not do. One thing that most people do is talk like it was their last day on the planet.

Yes, rapport has been known to improve when you can match the speaking pace of the other, so be careful here.

I’m talking about giving permission, through your pacing, for everyone to relax.

A good leader does this.

The conversation benefits from a relaxed frame and others may slow down to match you.

When you slow down, you will be able to think better and deliver with higher performance.

You also come across as relaxed, thus confident and of higher status.

Talk boldly.

Occasionally say something that needs to be said that no one else is daring to say.

Speak your mind honestly. Most people are stunted by socially programmed boundaries on what they can and cannot say and most are thirsting for honesty. Saying it straight will bring you respect.

This can give you massive bonus points because it takes courage but needs to be executed with care and awareness.

Be vulnerable.

Share a flaw occasionally.

This doesn’t mean you’re a submissive and weak loser, nor does it mean you need to air your dirty laundry.

I’ve seen people overdo this because they’re trying to be Brene Brown ‘vulnerable’ and end up looking desperate. We don’t need to hear about the pimples on your ass or how you go to sleep crying every night.

Chill. Reveal something that took courage to share, but that ultimately helps the listener.

Give without expectation.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but most people are running around giving things to people with expectations tied to their ‘charity.’

Be different.

Grow your tribe by giving value to one person at a time. Small tokens of appreciation.

Little bits of value. Send a book you wrote. Connect two people. Send someone a letter out of the blue.

And do this without the expectation of getting anything back. This doesn’t mean you can’t focus on helping those who you’d love to work with for example, but it needn’t be tied to any immediate outcome. This is stressful for you and will be felt by the other.

Give, and give some more.

This is one of the most freeing things you can do.

You will gather admiration, and the rewards will come.

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